now

Tomorrow, February 25, 2010, is my due date. Was my due date... Rowan - you came much too soon. You went rushing into Heaven, but who could blame you?

I would give anything (read: any THING) to be holding you now, birthing you now, painfully awaiting your arrival... Anything. But, my small, angelic love, it was not to be... I tell myself you were too much for this world, and Jesus needed you for some amazing work in Heaven. I miss you. I miss you so much. It boggles my mind to miss you so much, someone I never really knew....but I knew you - didn't I... I miss you. My arms long to hold you.

I keep opening up this bottle of baby detergent from Matt's mom...it smells like babies. It smells so good. I washed all your little clothes in it...so they smell good too. I have a piece of the blanket, the other half, of the one you were buried in...it sometimes makes me feel better when I can hold it. I didn't want to let you go. If you were here now I'd hold you all you wanted, and I might never put you down. I love you so my sweet babe. And your daddy, he really misses you too.


Ten Things I have learned since our baby died (there are so many, but I simply had to narrow it down):

(1) I have learned that my husband loves me. He is my supporter and my friend. He is forgiving, kind-hearted and gentle. He is my protector, my hero and the love of my life.

(2) I am the saddest of all types of mothers. My arms are empty, Rowan's crib is empty, and my womb is perhaps the emptiest place of all.

(3) Sometimes people want to be nice to you, but they get in the way of themselves.

(4) Words don't always improve a situation, and sometimes being quiet is the best gift that you can give.

(5) My family is amazing.

(6) God always gives far more than we deserve.

(7) Jesus saved my soul from being eternally separated from Him, and promised me a place with Him in Heaven. He has also promised to forgive me when I forget the things He has done for me, so long as I repent and turn my heart back to Him. Sometimes that means everyday...

(8) The loss of a child is deeply sad, and terrible. Our lives have been forever changed, and who we are becoming will be greatly molded by the short life of our baby.

(9) Rowan's life mattered. It mattered to me, to Matt, and most of all it mattered to Jesus.

(10) There will be a time of jubilation, and great joy, when we meet our baby in Heaven. And we will, meet Rowan in Heaven.

I didn't plan it

I wasn't going to write today. But I just couldn't stand the thought of not commenting on the 6th month anniversary of the death of my perfect little love. 6 months. That feels so long.

My due date was February 25, 2010. Oh how we counted down the days, and we couldn't wait to snuggle our sweet one in our arms.

There was no physical pain when Rowan came rushing into this world. No cramping, no back ache, no bleeding, nothing... But the emotional hurt - well, I could write a novel about the emotional pain. 6 months ago I caught my little one in my hands as he left this place forever... I'm a mom of a different sort I guess.

I could cry a million tears. We went out to the cemetery today...as we stood there I couldn't help but think of how I'd MUCH rather be staring through that plexi-glass window and pointing out which sweet babe belonged to me...but instead I was standing in the cold and dusting off my angel's head stone. It sucks. Big time.

I am not sure I can sustain another season of celebrating everyone's joyous news, and new babies. Already so many have announced another pregnancy... I look on with jealousy and heartache. On my own I am not strong, not even a little bit. This month has been particularly difficult for me.

I think that I thought I was healing and moving through the phases of my grief...and I find that I may not have come as far as I'd imagined. It is hard to keep re-examining things. I know it is hard for my dear husband to see me so sad. I know that I don't have to be strong for him though, and that is a comfort like none other.

Anyway... This post hasn't made much sense. I continue to pray for God to use this terrible event to touch the lives of others, and to grow me in unconventional ways. Sometimes I feel like a person that I don't know, and other times I feel exactly the same as I always was...I suppose I will be forever changing though.



Revelation 7:17(b) "...and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."