Only a small portion of the things I take for granted. How did I become so smug, so self-assured that I was deserving of an amazing husband, sweet babies or a Holy Savior?
God has been so good to me…only 'good' isn't descriptive enough – there isn't anything I can say about the way He loves me. It is indescribable…yet I am constantly trying to put limits on it…and trap Him in a box. I want Him to be someone I can understand, or wrap my mind around….and yet He is always going to be so much more.
I so easily forget the good things He has done for me … just as soon as He isn't giving me something else… I wouldn't have described myself as a selfish person, yet I am. When I pray or cry out to my Father I have a long list of 'what I need.' I rarely stop to just be with Him. That is all He has ever asked of me…to just be with Him. He never demands for me to do anything, or be anything….except to just 'be.' Seems easy enough, 'eh?
I have been blessed by God with the most loving, gentle, gracious husband. I thank God daily for this gift…this man who loves me in spite of myself. I love you always Mattie. I'm sorry for ever taking one second with you for granted, and I choose today to begin recognizing each moment as a treasure to be kept safe…. You are amazing, and brilliant, and a million other wonderful things!!
I love you.
Babies… Long have I waited and long have I wanted… Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart – I have been given this promise by the Lord. Yet I demand that He give me what I desire exactly when I desire it…and yet again and again He withholds… because He knows the appropriate time and place for such things. And, He always knows how to amaze.
I was recently told by a doctor that I have PCOS…and in the same sentence 'although it doesn't mean you can't have children it does mean it will be extremely difficult.' Then she smiled and I cried and she wrote a prescription and just like that I was on my way out into the world – back to work, back to life...just like that…
I was a virgin for 26 years…and then I got married…and I guess I thought I was 'owed' the gift of making babies because I'd been so good, so decent. I've only every kissed 2 fellas in my life, and one of them is my husband…. Again, I thought God, how can this be right – I've been so good… I've really strived to be pure…to keep myself for one special man – your man – my husband, the father of all of my unborn sweet angels… But this isn't the way it works…and though I know that my God is loving and kind, along with many things, trying to get your heart to be okay with the things your head knows are certain – can sometimes be overwhelming….
There is more to say, but I am exhausted. I needed to write this all out. I think I feel a little better.
Mostly, I need your prayers….if you are reading then please pray now…. Pray for peace…
Monday, November 17, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
taking things for granted - who, me??
from Elisabeth Elliot's – Keep a Quiet Heart
On page 135, in the chapter called Waiting she quotes several Bible verses and then writes the following:
"Restlessness and impatience change nothing except our peace and joy. Peace does not dwell in outward things, but in the heart prepared to wait trustfully and quietly on Him who has all things safely in His hands."
These words comfort me, and along with Psalm 40:1 "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry," make me glad that I have a God who is big enough to have my life worked out...and yet humble enough to lift me up into His big arms and love on me personally.
We had some news re: our 'no baby' status from the doctor, but I'm not emotionally ready to post it for the world to see. I will be glad to receive your prayers on the matter...but I need some time to process information and to learn more about what may be in store...
On page 135, in the chapter called Waiting she quotes several Bible verses and then writes the following:
"Restlessness and impatience change nothing except our peace and joy. Peace does not dwell in outward things, but in the heart prepared to wait trustfully and quietly on Him who has all things safely in His hands."
These words comfort me, and along with Psalm 40:1 "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry," make me glad that I have a God who is big enough to have my life worked out...and yet humble enough to lift me up into His big arms and love on me personally.
We had some news re: our 'no baby' status from the doctor, but I'm not emotionally ready to post it for the world to see. I will be glad to receive your prayers on the matter...but I need some time to process information and to learn more about what may be in store...
Sunday, October 5, 2008
certainty
Psalms 37:25 "I have been young, and now am old; yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread." (NKJV)
Matt and I attended a church in Flomaton, AL, this morning. He had a concert there, and I tagged along. I'm so glad that I did....isn't it encouraging to see the way God gets a message straight to our hearts (even if we aren't in our 'home' church).
Anyhow, the psalmist (and I think it was David) is thinking back on being young, and knowing he is more advanced in age...he is saying that through ALL the stuff he's lived through NEVER ONCE has he seen a 'righteous' person 'let down' by God. So, I've been really disappointed in God before, only to realize I'm disappointed in the circumstance I'm in the midst of rather than God, or I'm disappointened in the people I was counting on...rather than God. So, I'm not 'that' old, but I am almost 28 (which is, let's face it) almost 30!! Anyhow, I cannot think of one time in my 12 years as a Christian that I have been 'let down' or 'forsaken' by God.
So, as of late I have really been struggling with the fact that Matt & I don't have babies, and that for some reason I don't seem to be getting pregnant....and it's not for lack of practice :-)... I have been so wrapped up in thinking God doesn't think we are ready, and God doesn't want us to have kids, and I'm doing this wrong, or Matt's doing that wrong...and really taking on a victim mentality (ugh, totally not like me). And then today happened...and this verse was shown to me in a new light.
...I have not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread...
I know in my soul that Christ has called me to raise up a handful of kingdom heirs...and I know in my soul that they will be born of my womb....and I know in my soul that my God does not disappoint...and I know in my soul that all the good in my life has been well worth the wait...and I know in my soul that I am sad to be so late in getting started having babies, and I am sad that I want something so badly that I've made myself crazy, and my husband a little crazier... But, I know in my soul that I will not be forsaken. I know He loves me, and dotes on me, and longs to give me the desires of my heart...but I also know in my soul that He sees so much more of a situation than I ever will.
I also take courage and hope in the last portion of this verse, 'nor his seed begging bread.' For I know that as much as I love and pray and hope for my unborn babies the Lord has an even bigger heart for them. He adores them and has them taken care of already! What a brilliant thought, and such an amazing place to lay your trust!
So, I will wait....unpatiently at first, and over time I will learn to settle down. My heart is weary, and it's time to try something else... I think I'll start believing, with a renewed heart, in the God who brought me salvation, freedom, redemption, eternity, love and strength.
Matt and I attended a church in Flomaton, AL, this morning. He had a concert there, and I tagged along. I'm so glad that I did....isn't it encouraging to see the way God gets a message straight to our hearts (even if we aren't in our 'home' church).
Anyhow, the psalmist (and I think it was David) is thinking back on being young, and knowing he is more advanced in age...he is saying that through ALL the stuff he's lived through NEVER ONCE has he seen a 'righteous' person 'let down' by God. So, I've been really disappointed in God before, only to realize I'm disappointed in the circumstance I'm in the midst of rather than God, or I'm disappointened in the people I was counting on...rather than God. So, I'm not 'that' old, but I am almost 28 (which is, let's face it) almost 30!! Anyhow, I cannot think of one time in my 12 years as a Christian that I have been 'let down' or 'forsaken' by God.
So, as of late I have really been struggling with the fact that Matt & I don't have babies, and that for some reason I don't seem to be getting pregnant....and it's not for lack of practice :-)... I have been so wrapped up in thinking God doesn't think we are ready, and God doesn't want us to have kids, and I'm doing this wrong, or Matt's doing that wrong...and really taking on a victim mentality (ugh, totally not like me). And then today happened...and this verse was shown to me in a new light.
...I have not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread...
I know in my soul that Christ has called me to raise up a handful of kingdom heirs...and I know in my soul that they will be born of my womb....and I know in my soul that my God does not disappoint...and I know in my soul that all the good in my life has been well worth the wait...and I know in my soul that I am sad to be so late in getting started having babies, and I am sad that I want something so badly that I've made myself crazy, and my husband a little crazier... But, I know in my soul that I will not be forsaken. I know He loves me, and dotes on me, and longs to give me the desires of my heart...but I also know in my soul that He sees so much more of a situation than I ever will.
I also take courage and hope in the last portion of this verse, 'nor his seed begging bread.' For I know that as much as I love and pray and hope for my unborn babies the Lord has an even bigger heart for them. He adores them and has them taken care of already! What a brilliant thought, and such an amazing place to lay your trust!
So, I will wait....unpatiently at first, and over time I will learn to settle down. My heart is weary, and it's time to try something else... I think I'll start believing, with a renewed heart, in the God who brought me salvation, freedom, redemption, eternity, love and strength.
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