Saturday, June 26, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
"In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength"
Isaiah 30:15
In the quiet times, and in the loud times, I find peace in these verses. I've written them on note cards, and placed them around where I can see them. When I feel overwhelmed by the heaviness of my grief I return to them, and I feel God close to me.
Isaiah 12:1-3
Songs of Praise
In that day you will say: "I will praise you, O LORD. Although you were angry with me, your anger has turned away and you have comforted me. Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation." With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation.
Psalm 6:3-4
My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love.
Psalm 4:1
Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress;
be merciful to me and hear my prayer.
Psalm 5:11-12
But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. For surely, O LORD, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield.
1 Peter 1:6-9
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
In the quiet times, and in the loud times, I find peace in these verses. I've written them on note cards, and placed them around where I can see them. When I feel overwhelmed by the heaviness of my grief I return to them, and I feel God close to me.
Isaiah 12:1-3
Songs of Praise
In that day you will say: "I will praise you, O LORD. Although you were angry with me, your anger has turned away and you have comforted me. Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation." With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation.
Psalm 6:3-4
My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love.
Psalm 4:1
Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress;
be merciful to me and hear my prayer.
Psalm 5:11-12
But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. For surely, O LORD, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield.
1 Peter 1:6-9
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
now
Tomorrow, February 25, 2010, is my due date. Was my due date... Rowan - you came much too soon. You went rushing into Heaven, but who could blame you?
I would give anything (read: any THING) to be holding you now, birthing you now, painfully awaiting your arrival... Anything. But, my small, angelic love, it was not to be... I tell myself you were too much for this world, and Jesus needed you for some amazing work in Heaven. I miss you. I miss you so much. It boggles my mind to miss you so much, someone I never really knew....but I knew you - didn't I... I miss you. My arms long to hold you.
I keep opening up this bottle of baby detergent from Matt's mom...it smells like babies. It smells so good. I washed all your little clothes in it...so they smell good too. I have a piece of the blanket, the other half, of the one you were buried in...it sometimes makes me feel better when I can hold it. I didn't want to let you go. If you were here now I'd hold you all you wanted, and I might never put you down. I love you so my sweet babe. And your daddy, he really misses you too.
Ten Things I have learned since our baby died (there are so many, but I simply had to narrow it down):
(1) I have learned that my husband loves me. He is my supporter and my friend. He is forgiving, kind-hearted and gentle. He is my protector, my hero and the love of my life.
(2) I am the saddest of all types of mothers. My arms are empty, Rowan's crib is empty, and my womb is perhaps the emptiest place of all.
(3) Sometimes people want to be nice to you, but they get in the way of themselves.
(4) Words don't always improve a situation, and sometimes being quiet is the best gift that you can give.
(5) My family is amazing.
(6) God always gives far more than we deserve.
(7) Jesus saved my soul from being eternally separated from Him, and promised me a place with Him in Heaven. He has also promised to forgive me when I forget the things He has done for me, so long as I repent and turn my heart back to Him. Sometimes that means everyday...
(8) The loss of a child is deeply sad, and terrible. Our lives have been forever changed, and who we are becoming will be greatly molded by the short life of our baby.
(9) Rowan's life mattered. It mattered to me, to Matt, and most of all it mattered to Jesus.
(10) There will be a time of jubilation, and great joy, when we meet our baby in Heaven. And we will, meet Rowan in Heaven.
I would give anything (read: any THING) to be holding you now, birthing you now, painfully awaiting your arrival... Anything. But, my small, angelic love, it was not to be... I tell myself you were too much for this world, and Jesus needed you for some amazing work in Heaven. I miss you. I miss you so much. It boggles my mind to miss you so much, someone I never really knew....but I knew you - didn't I... I miss you. My arms long to hold you.
I keep opening up this bottle of baby detergent from Matt's mom...it smells like babies. It smells so good. I washed all your little clothes in it...so they smell good too. I have a piece of the blanket, the other half, of the one you were buried in...it sometimes makes me feel better when I can hold it. I didn't want to let you go. If you were here now I'd hold you all you wanted, and I might never put you down. I love you so my sweet babe. And your daddy, he really misses you too.
Ten Things I have learned since our baby died (there are so many, but I simply had to narrow it down):
(1) I have learned that my husband loves me. He is my supporter and my friend. He is forgiving, kind-hearted and gentle. He is my protector, my hero and the love of my life.
(2) I am the saddest of all types of mothers. My arms are empty, Rowan's crib is empty, and my womb is perhaps the emptiest place of all.
(3) Sometimes people want to be nice to you, but they get in the way of themselves.
(4) Words don't always improve a situation, and sometimes being quiet is the best gift that you can give.
(5) My family is amazing.
(6) God always gives far more than we deserve.
(7) Jesus saved my soul from being eternally separated from Him, and promised me a place with Him in Heaven. He has also promised to forgive me when I forget the things He has done for me, so long as I repent and turn my heart back to Him. Sometimes that means everyday...
(8) The loss of a child is deeply sad, and terrible. Our lives have been forever changed, and who we are becoming will be greatly molded by the short life of our baby.
(9) Rowan's life mattered. It mattered to me, to Matt, and most of all it mattered to Jesus.
(10) There will be a time of jubilation, and great joy, when we meet our baby in Heaven. And we will, meet Rowan in Heaven.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
I didn't plan it
I wasn't going to write today. But I just couldn't stand the thought of not commenting on the 6th month anniversary of the death of my perfect little love. 6 months. That feels so long.
My due date was February 25, 2010. Oh how we counted down the days, and we couldn't wait to snuggle our sweet one in our arms.
There was no physical pain when Rowan came rushing into this world. No cramping, no back ache, no bleeding, nothing... But the emotional hurt - well, I could write a novel about the emotional pain. 6 months ago I caught my little one in my hands as he left this place forever... I'm a mom of a different sort I guess.
I could cry a million tears. We went out to the cemetery today...as we stood there I couldn't help but think of how I'd MUCH rather be staring through that plexi-glass window and pointing out which sweet babe belonged to me...but instead I was standing in the cold and dusting off my angel's head stone. It sucks. Big time.
I am not sure I can sustain another season of celebrating everyone's joyous news, and new babies. Already so many have announced another pregnancy... I look on with jealousy and heartache. On my own I am not strong, not even a little bit. This month has been particularly difficult for me.
I think that I thought I was healing and moving through the phases of my grief...and I find that I may not have come as far as I'd imagined. It is hard to keep re-examining things. I know it is hard for my dear husband to see me so sad. I know that I don't have to be strong for him though, and that is a comfort like none other.
Anyway... This post hasn't made much sense. I continue to pray for God to use this terrible event to touch the lives of others, and to grow me in unconventional ways. Sometimes I feel like a person that I don't know, and other times I feel exactly the same as I always was...I suppose I will be forever changing though.
Revelation 7:17(b) "...and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."
My due date was February 25, 2010. Oh how we counted down the days, and we couldn't wait to snuggle our sweet one in our arms.
There was no physical pain when Rowan came rushing into this world. No cramping, no back ache, no bleeding, nothing... But the emotional hurt - well, I could write a novel about the emotional pain. 6 months ago I caught my little one in my hands as he left this place forever... I'm a mom of a different sort I guess.
I could cry a million tears. We went out to the cemetery today...as we stood there I couldn't help but think of how I'd MUCH rather be staring through that plexi-glass window and pointing out which sweet babe belonged to me...but instead I was standing in the cold and dusting off my angel's head stone. It sucks. Big time.
I am not sure I can sustain another season of celebrating everyone's joyous news, and new babies. Already so many have announced another pregnancy... I look on with jealousy and heartache. On my own I am not strong, not even a little bit. This month has been particularly difficult for me.
I think that I thought I was healing and moving through the phases of my grief...and I find that I may not have come as far as I'd imagined. It is hard to keep re-examining things. I know it is hard for my dear husband to see me so sad. I know that I don't have to be strong for him though, and that is a comfort like none other.
Anyway... This post hasn't made much sense. I continue to pray for God to use this terrible event to touch the lives of others, and to grow me in unconventional ways. Sometimes I feel like a person that I don't know, and other times I feel exactly the same as I always was...I suppose I will be forever changing though.
Revelation 7:17(b) "...and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."
Sunday, January 24, 2010
i do not like this
It's been 5 months. 5. That is a long time. And in a few weeks it will have been 6 months. I haven't written in some time. It's been tough recently because all the girls who got pregnant around the same time as me are now having their babies, and I am so happy for them...but extremely saddened at the same time.
My due date was in February, and I could have been having the baby any day now. My tummy would have been so big and round.
So, Mattie and I are going away for a while. We are leaving in about an hour and we will be gone for an entire week. I cannot wait to be away and just be with him. We need this down time to relax and get back into a peaceful place with each other.
Blessings.
My due date was in February, and I could have been having the baby any day now. My tummy would have been so big and round.
So, Mattie and I are going away for a while. We are leaving in about an hour and we will be gone for an entire week. I cannot wait to be away and just be with him. We need this down time to relax and get back into a peaceful place with each other.
Blessings.
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