for my baby, Rowan

i walk because we have to keep moving forward...

Psalm 139:16
Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

Matthew 18:14
So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish.

breakdown

I really miss Rowan today. Mondays are really difficult for me, as they mark one more week that he is gone... Today is week 5. When I say it, or write it, that time frame seems so small. But when I feel it...it is a HUGE span of days, hours, minutes...

I realized today as I drove home from work (and began sobbing uncontrollably) that it isn't the days I'm struggling to get through...it is the moments. I don't know if that is a step forward or backward, or maybe just sideways... I don't know why I feel like I need to be moving forward..or anywhere for that matter...

Another friend announced the 'good news' of her pregnancy this week. yay for babies for everyone else but me... I keep deleting people on FB when they start writing about their babies that are coming, or posting ultrasound pictures. I'm awful, I must admit. I wonder how many women looked at my ultrasound pictures and wept for their lost little babes? I hope it was none.

I've been reading tons of books, and surprisingly, not many of them make me feel better. It's weird how even people who have lived through this type of heartache still can't seem to reach each other...

I am puzzled that in our world of so many scientific phenomenons, we can't change this 'spontaneous abortion' epidemic... Did you know that less than $10 million dollars each year is spent on research for women who have experienced the loss of a child. Or were you aware that most, if not all, insurance companies and doctors/hospitals require a woman to suffer 2-3 'late losses' before they will approve of testing for things that if treated could save her the heartache?! Late loss is just another way to say 20+ weeks. Are they saying that before 20 weeks there is no reason to test, because there is not really a 'human' baby growing in the womb or because it is just a 'clump of cells'??



Take a look at my precious baby, and tell me he isn't big enough, or perfect enough to be ENOUGH for a test to tell me why... We lost Rowan during the time when the majority of women who have elective abortions do so. 12-14 weeks.

This is a lot of jumbled information, but I'm flustered now. I will come back to this... Please join me in praying for doctors who perform abortions, people who support abortions, those who have to live with the guilt/shame of having an abortion. Please also pray for me.

one

momma and daddy miss you. we love you.
you have been gone for one month. one very long month.
you have blessed our lives in ways we could not have imagined.
Praise be to God for giving us the gift of your tiny, brief, life.

taking care

Gravestone : noun A stone placed over a grave as a marker; a tombstone.

Marker : something used as a mark or indication, as a bookmark or tombstone.

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We ordered the grave marker for Rowan today. Pictures will be posted later, my friend Donna has agreed to take some for me. I don't know how long it will take to get here, but I'm anxious to have Rowan's place marked. The thought of that little body in that big cemetery with no marker brings tears to my eyes.

I thought that ordering the marker would bring some closure, or make me feel a little better. Turns out, I actually feel sad. It's like one more note of finality...

This place is really hard.

double the fun

if reading about our Rowan isn't enough... you can visit us here

Some is the same, because I want to write Rowan's name everywhere so that no one will ever forget...but I needed a special place for my sweet love. So, I created this second blog, and I've decided to keep my original too.