you know what I mean

"How are you Amanda" she said, and then, looking deep into my eyes, "you do know what I'm talking about don't you?"

I wanted to slap her. Of course I know. I think every second of every day about my baby. I bolt awake in the night, nearly every night, thinking of his tiny body in my hands. Yes, I know what you are talking about. I know what you mean. Stop looking at me like that...

On an unrelated note:

I have been reading "The Shack" for the past few days, and it is taking a while because (1) it's sad, (2) it makes me think about how I see God & my relationship with Him and (3) it's really deep and it's forcing me to think about stuff I may not have been ready to deal with...since my 'great sadness' has begun.

On page 104 God speaks to the main character, Mack, and says this, "As much as you are able, rest in what trust you have in me, no matter how small, okay?" I'm pretty sure this is the same thing God has been saying to me over and over since Rowan died. The idea I'm picking up on as I read this book is that it's never about God forcing us, humans, to do anything...but always about the choices we make with what is put in front of us.

these words

I don't particularly care for this song, or at least the voice of the guy who sings it...but the words captivate me. For the last 3 days when I've gotten into the car to leave work, this song has been on the radio. K-Love 95.7! I think it must be something I need to hear from God.

In particular, this verse,
"God, You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand"

I do believe that God has been and continues to be so faithful to me and Matt. I know with all of my being that He has a plan and a future for us... One that we could not have imagined 2-3 years ago. Heck, one I cannot imagine or understand even now. But, my God is so good...and He has been so good to me. He continues daily to reveal Himself to me in simple, small ways...that are unmistakable. My prayer continues to be for the peace of God to swallow me up, so that when I am pulled down by life, by death, by the enemy....I know exactly where I am and who I am...and most of all...Who is FOR ME. Jesus. It all comes back to knowing He is all I need...and letting that be enough.

Mikes Chair, "Let the Waters Rise."
Don't know where to begin
Its like my world's caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here?

sometimes its so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
But I am willing to go
Where you want me to
God, I trust You



I will swim in the deep
'Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm
And the calm of the sea
You'll never out of reach

God, You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding onto You
God Your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You

this way

I think I am depressed.
I have zero motivation.
I am as BIG as a house.
Sleep is all I seem to do well...
and that is only with the help of my friend, Ambien.

I work. I come home. I laugh. I eat.
I sleep. I tell Mattie, 'I love you.' (repeat)

I'm not suicidal or anything -- I am just really ambivalent.
Just stuck...in this mood...this gray, fog-like feeling.
Easily upset. Crying even.

I'm reading, I'm writing, I'm praying... What...

Life is full of ups and downs, right?
My hope is in Him, right?
My husband loves me no matter what, right?
It's not my fault, right?

So, why do I feel so burdened by the death of our baby?
Why do I feel so singularly responsible?
Why does it continue to ache so badly?
Why do other people's babies make me cringe?
Why...

"Why me" is what my heart screams. My head quickly tries to answer.
But seriously... why me?!

**Also, people who are pregnant should stop complaining about things that would make my heart leap to be troubled by... I mean really, maternity clothes are adorable and so are big bellies swollen with the promise of new life... Be thankful... ugh.

From "The Shack" - seriously...have you read this book...Ah-mah-zing!!

This is EXACTLY what I feel...EXACTLY!!

"The Great Sadness had draped itself around Mack's shoulders like some invisible but almost tangibly heavy quilt. The weight of its presence dulled his eyes and stooped his shoulders. Even his efforts to shake it off were exhausting, as if his arms were sewn into its bleak folds of despair and he had somehow become part of it. He ate, worked, loved, dreamed and played in this garment of heaviness, weighed down as if he were wearing a leaden bathrobe -- trudging daily through the murky despondence that sucked the color out of everything. At times he could feel The Great Sadness slowly tightening around his chest and heart like the crushing coils of a constrictor, squeezing liquid from his eyes until he thought there no longer remained a reservoir."

in honor of Rowan

daddy & momma miss you so dear one...

pictures from the last time I held my baby

Here are some pictures from Rowan's funeral. We are blessed beyond words with family, friends and fellow believers. Praise God for all of those who have stood beside us as we journey through this trying time.


Jeff did a wonderful job of sharing The Word,
and honoring our tiny angel.


pictures of Rowan, and the elephant from Josh (you're the best). Rowan was buried on top of Matt's great grandmother's casket. It was so incredible of the funeral home to allow us to use the same plot. All we paid for was the headstone for Rowan. It should be here in about 2 weeks, the stone in this picture is for Matt's great-grandmother (who was one of the 1st to be buried at Roselawn in 1972).





our Rowan was loved by so many...

remembering

October 17, 2009. 2 months ago my little sweetness left this place for his Heavenly home. Rest tight with Jesus my angel. O' how I miss you. My heart is sore from missing our baby...

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

There is a room I dare not go...

it is full of silly lions, and zebras ...
all the things that I prepared for you
there’s a crib that lies empty
and a swing standing silently
diapers, creams, lotions and powder
blankets, shoes, tiny hangers and clothes

the pain is immense when I pass through this room
my heart is torn open again and again

so I rush past the door so that I don’t think about it
rush out the front door so I don’t think about it
rush to bed so I don’t think about it
rush...because the pain is too big

Everyday is a production, a play, and I’m just an actress
doing her best to smile and stand up straight

Oh God... Help me because I cannot help myself.

From a Jordin Sparks song :
made me think of how I’ve been feeling this week -

If I should die before I wake
it's 'cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there

But somehow I'm still alive inside
You took my breath, but I survived

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there

sweetly spoken

new dave crowder - finally obtained my copy!!

love love love this song!! "Shadows"

Life is full of light and shadow, O the joy and O the sorrow
O the sorrow

And yet will He bring, Dark to light
And yet will He bring, Day from night

When shadows fall on us, We will not fear, We will remember

When darkness falls on us, We will not fear, We will remember

When all seems lost, When we're thrown and we're tossed
We remember the cost, We rest in Him, in the Shadow of the cross

the pain is an ocean

You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
All my back bruised and nearly broken
I'm crying out to You

I will sing of Your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy

When death like a gypsy, Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens, I will still seek your face

But I fear you aren't listening, because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger for a faith that is yours

I will sing of Your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy

While we wait for rescue with our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands to cover the fatal cut

Though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down

I will sing of your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy

yeah...

never in vain

I cry out to the Lord to let the brief time we had with Rowan mean something to someone other than me... I beg Him... I want to know I'm not the only one who will forever remember Rowan, not the only one who will be blessed by his time here...

I received an e-mail from a friend last week... I am in awe of Jesus again and again. He will use everything for His glory...EVERYTHING. Though my heart aches for a child I'll never hold, never snuggle, never know this side of Heaven...Rowan is touching lives and has made me the proudest momma I know!

Here is part of the e-mail I received:

My story is brief and I hope it doesn't upset you in any way. God truly works in mysterious ways. The day after I received your first Rowans Hope bog with the photo of Rowan, one of my coworkers was talking about her step daughter just finding out she was expecting and how she was encouraging her to terminate the pregnancy because she wasn't married and still in college. She was around 12 weeks pregnant and she was saying that it's not really a baby until she's further along. I asked her into my office and showed her the photo of Rowan and asked her which part of that child was not a baby. She was so profoundly moved she left work and called her step daughter. She is now about 18 weeks pregnant and her outlook on this pregnancy has completely changed. Because of Rowan, there is another little baby that gets the chance at life.

Again, i hope this doesn't upset you as it's a very happy outcome. I just wanted you to know that your angel is already working from heaven.!!

Please visit the website my amazing husband has created. We are working with our local March of Dimes chapter to make something wonderful, and this website is only the beginning.

May God bless each of you who reads our posts, and passes on our website. May God show His loving mercy in your lives, and the lives of those that you tell of the story of little Rowan. Please continue to pray for our family as we need your prayers daily.

Each day is so hard, but I keep telling myself to get up...Jesus will catch you today just as He has caught you every other day...get up. I don't feel stronger, but I know that God is strong enough for me and Him... I also know that I have to choose each day to live a life that honors Rowan.