now

Tomorrow, February 25, 2010, is my due date. Was my due date... Rowan - you came much too soon. You went rushing into Heaven, but who could blame you?

I would give anything (read: any THING) to be holding you now, birthing you now, painfully awaiting your arrival... Anything. But, my small, angelic love, it was not to be... I tell myself you were too much for this world, and Jesus needed you for some amazing work in Heaven. I miss you. I miss you so much. It boggles my mind to miss you so much, someone I never really knew....but I knew you - didn't I... I miss you. My arms long to hold you.

I keep opening up this bottle of baby detergent from Matt's mom...it smells like babies. It smells so good. I washed all your little clothes in it...so they smell good too. I have a piece of the blanket, the other half, of the one you were buried in...it sometimes makes me feel better when I can hold it. I didn't want to let you go. If you were here now I'd hold you all you wanted, and I might never put you down. I love you so my sweet babe. And your daddy, he really misses you too.


Ten Things I have learned since our baby died (there are so many, but I simply had to narrow it down):

(1) I have learned that my husband loves me. He is my supporter and my friend. He is forgiving, kind-hearted and gentle. He is my protector, my hero and the love of my life.

(2) I am the saddest of all types of mothers. My arms are empty, Rowan's crib is empty, and my womb is perhaps the emptiest place of all.

(3) Sometimes people want to be nice to you, but they get in the way of themselves.

(4) Words don't always improve a situation, and sometimes being quiet is the best gift that you can give.

(5) My family is amazing.

(6) God always gives far more than we deserve.

(7) Jesus saved my soul from being eternally separated from Him, and promised me a place with Him in Heaven. He has also promised to forgive me when I forget the things He has done for me, so long as I repent and turn my heart back to Him. Sometimes that means everyday...

(8) The loss of a child is deeply sad, and terrible. Our lives have been forever changed, and who we are becoming will be greatly molded by the short life of our baby.

(9) Rowan's life mattered. It mattered to me, to Matt, and most of all it mattered to Jesus.

(10) There will be a time of jubilation, and great joy, when we meet our baby in Heaven. And we will, meet Rowan in Heaven.

I didn't plan it

I wasn't going to write today. But I just couldn't stand the thought of not commenting on the 6th month anniversary of the death of my perfect little love. 6 months. That feels so long.

My due date was February 25, 2010. Oh how we counted down the days, and we couldn't wait to snuggle our sweet one in our arms.

There was no physical pain when Rowan came rushing into this world. No cramping, no back ache, no bleeding, nothing... But the emotional hurt - well, I could write a novel about the emotional pain. 6 months ago I caught my little one in my hands as he left this place forever... I'm a mom of a different sort I guess.

I could cry a million tears. We went out to the cemetery today...as we stood there I couldn't help but think of how I'd MUCH rather be staring through that plexi-glass window and pointing out which sweet babe belonged to me...but instead I was standing in the cold and dusting off my angel's head stone. It sucks. Big time.

I am not sure I can sustain another season of celebrating everyone's joyous news, and new babies. Already so many have announced another pregnancy... I look on with jealousy and heartache. On my own I am not strong, not even a little bit. This month has been particularly difficult for me.

I think that I thought I was healing and moving through the phases of my grief...and I find that I may not have come as far as I'd imagined. It is hard to keep re-examining things. I know it is hard for my dear husband to see me so sad. I know that I don't have to be strong for him though, and that is a comfort like none other.

Anyway... This post hasn't made much sense. I continue to pray for God to use this terrible event to touch the lives of others, and to grow me in unconventional ways. Sometimes I feel like a person that I don't know, and other times I feel exactly the same as I always was...I suppose I will be forever changing though.



Revelation 7:17(b) "...and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."

i do not like this

It's been 5 months. 5. That is a long time. And in a few weeks it will have been 6 months. I haven't written in some time. It's been tough recently because all the girls who got pregnant around the same time as me are now having their babies, and I am so happy for them...but extremely saddened at the same time.

My due date was in February, and I could have been having the baby any day now. My tummy would have been so big and round.

So, Mattie and I are going away for a while. We are leaving in about an hour and we will be gone for an entire week. I cannot wait to be away and just be with him. We need this down time to relax and get back into a peaceful place with each other.

Blessings.

4

Thinking of my sweet angel today.



It's been 4 months since you left us. We think of you everyday, and we talk about you all the time. You would have been so big in momma's belly by now. Oh, how you are missed my sweet babe!

Contrary to what nearly everyone has told me, I do not feel better as time goes by. In fact, I feel sadder because at this point my angel has been gone longer than I had him here.

Please continue to pray for us.

I miss being pregnant. I just read someone's post on another site, and she stated "I'm so tired of being pregnant." And, I thought to myself, how can this be? How can there be someone who could be tired of being pregnant. I realize she didn't mean tired of carrying life in her womb, but really just tired of being puffy and probably having a sore back... But even still, it made me sad momentarily.

This Thursday will be 4 months since Rowan left us. We are dealing with the sadness of our baby's passing in such different ways... I often wonder if there is any of the 'oldness' of us left over. Not in a bad way. Like, I don't mean our marriage is 'on the rocks' or anything. I just look at Mattie and I don't see the same person, and I know I'm not the same person. I cannot help but wonder, and hope, that this time next year we have a small one cooing and laughing with us around our Christmas tree. So much can happen in such a short time.

We celebrate with friends this week the announcement of a positive!! We are jealous, and we covet that feeling of newness. But, we have hope that our time will come soon. Long have these friends waited, and we are truly happy for them. :0)





Merry Christmas.

29 on the 27th

Happy Birthday to me.

So great is His unfailing love

Lamentations 3:31-33 "For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though He brings grief, He will show compassion,so great is His unfailing love. For He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men."

Oh my heart hurts today. I cannot explain, or understand the waves of my grief. I can only sway back and forth with the pain and then also with the hope I often feel.

At times I am overwhelmed with emotions that I don't even have words to describe. I can only guess that I am feeling a new level of growth...but it doesn't feel like I'm growing, especially when there are days like today. I think some of it has to do with my birthday being this week. Turning 29 this coming Friday has had me thinking about what I've really been doing with myself. All of my life...not just now, but like...the greater meaning of it all.

I miss my baby. I got a letter in the mail from our insurance company. It was a letter congratulating me on being over half-way through my pregnancy. I ripped it up and wanted to barf all over it. But, instead I just threw it away -- I didn't even recycle it. I would have been able to feel him kicking and so would you, if you saw me and wanted to touch my belly--I would have let you feel him kicking. I wouldn't be avoiding the girl at work who keeps showing off pictures of her new grandbaby--and I'd be showing off Rowan's pictures too. I would have done a lot of things. But, I also wouldn't have done some other things.

I miss my baby. I miss the feeling of being full of life, and of knowing that only I could be called his momma. I miss the way my husband used to look at my belly and talk to our baby - when he was so small and had no way to hear him yet. I miss the way people didn't avoid talking to me so that they don't have to hear about my dead baby. I miss my baby. I miss my baby. I miss our baby.

Bleeeeeehhhhhhhh...

So here's my birthday toast to myself!! Here's to another year. A good year. A year of heartache, a year of sweet loving from my sweet husband, a year of learning and laughing, a year of becoming a momma and losing a child. And, here's to my 29th year, may God hold me closer than ever before.

Blue Jeans for Babies!!

I saw this today on another grieving momma's blog. I really like the way it captures how I'm feeling.

My grief is like a river,
I have to let it flow,
But I myself determine,
Just where the banks will go.

Some days the current takes me
In waves of guilt and pain
But there are always quiet pools
Where I can rest again.

I crash on rocks of anger
My faith seems faint indeed
But there are other swimmers
Who know just what I need

And loving hands to hold me
When the waters are too swift
And someone kind to listen
When I just seem to drift

Grief's river is a process
Of relinquishing the past
By swimming in Hope's channels
I'll reach the shore at last

~Cynthia G. Kelley~

Today marks 3 long months that Rowan has been gone. My heart breaks knowing in a few weeks he will be gone longer than he was here. I hate knowing that, and I super-hate that I'll go on being here without him.

My heart is an open sore, aching and unhealed. How long? How long Lord? May you receive Your glory through this hard time, and may You be found by many. My hope rests still in You Lord and I pray that You will give me a glimpse of Your purposes for Matt and me, and even our beloved Rowan.

Job 1:21(b) "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away: may the name of the LORD be praised."

you know what I mean

"How are you Amanda" she said, and then, looking deep into my eyes, "you do know what I'm talking about don't you?"

I wanted to slap her. Of course I know. I think every second of every day about my baby. I bolt awake in the night, nearly every night, thinking of his tiny body in my hands. Yes, I know what you are talking about. I know what you mean. Stop looking at me like that...

On an unrelated note:

I have been reading "The Shack" for the past few days, and it is taking a while because (1) it's sad, (2) it makes me think about how I see God & my relationship with Him and (3) it's really deep and it's forcing me to think about stuff I may not have been ready to deal with...since my 'great sadness' has begun.

On page 104 God speaks to the main character, Mack, and says this, "As much as you are able, rest in what trust you have in me, no matter how small, okay?" I'm pretty sure this is the same thing God has been saying to me over and over since Rowan died. The idea I'm picking up on as I read this book is that it's never about God forcing us, humans, to do anything...but always about the choices we make with what is put in front of us.